This week on Ask Code Switch, we're talking about "talking about" race with your significant other. Dating a white person obviously isn't racist – just like dating a person of color isn't inherently anti-racist. But what if you notice a pattern in your partner's dating history that consistently favors a very specific type?
What if, for example, all of his most recent partners have been white women with features that resemble yours? Should you ask your partner if they only date a certain race? Is there a wrong answer?
Our listener, Nicole G., wants to know: is there a correct way to confront the dating patterns of your partner's past?
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"Hi, Code Switch!
I've been casually seeing a guy for a few months now. For reference, I'm white, he's Black, and we're polyamorous. I've briefly met his other partners, and they are both also white women. This struck me as a little odd, since we both live in a major city that is multiracial. I've met some of his friends, and that group was diverse.
I'm currently at a point in my life where I want to make sure I'm actually living my values, including challenging my whiteness and what comes with that.
I want to ask him about it, but I also don't want to seem like I'm questioning his racial identity or trying to minimize his life or choices as a Black man. I also don't know his entire dating history, so maybe he just has a type as of late?
Any advice on navigating this conversation?"
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What does the race and background of our romantic partners say about us?
Nicole says she wants to live her values and challenge her whiteness. So where should she start?
I called Veronica N. Chin Michaluk – a queer, sex-positive therapist who spends a lot of time helping clients navigate multicultural, non-monogamous, interracial relationship dynamics. Veronica tells people to start with therapy when looking for additional support as they start to navigate race conversations in their own interracial relationships.
Listen to this episode of Ask Code Switch now on the Code Switch feed on Apple, Spotify, Amazon Music, or wherever you get your podcasts!
Do you have a question for Lori and the Code Switch team? Send us your questions on Instagram @nprcodeswitch. Or, email us at codeswitch@npr.org – subject line, Ask Code Switch.
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