When you think about finding a purpose, you might think it's something grand in scale — like starting a non-profit. But a new book argues that purpose can be found in smaller everyday actions that help or support those around us.
The book is called Mattering: The secret to a life of deep connection and purpose. In it, author Jennifer Wallace explains that scientists have found the need to matter, or feel valued by others is fundamental to being human.
"After the drive for food and shelter, it is the motivation to matter that drives human behavior," says Wallace. "It is this idea of feeling valued by our family, our friends, our colleagues, our community, and having an opportunity to add value back to the world around us."
Studies show that when we have this, it is better for our overall health, especially mental health. "The research is finding that it is linked with lower depression, lower anxiety, reduced risk of suicide," says Wallace.
But feeling valued and adding value to the world doesn't have to involve big gestures or world-changing ideas, she says.
Seek purpose with a small p
Wallace says while reporting the book when she asked people, "when did you feel like you mattered?" they never cited the big moments in life, she says, just the small ones.
"It was someone leaving them a seat at the table. It was a colleague checking in after a tough meeting. It was a neighbor stopping by with a pot of soup when they were sick," she says. So, we as humans crave to matter in the day to day. We crave to matter in the details of life."
So, if you're looking for a purpose and a sense of connection to others, start with small acts of kindness and care towards others.
It might look like "knocking on the door of an elderly neighbor and saying, you'll take their dog for a walk," suggests Wallace, or "reaching out to a single mom in your community who may be struggling."
At work, you can start by letting your colleagues know when their efforts make a difference to your work or your team's. "I've come to think of it as appreciating the doer behind the deed," she says.
Not only will these acts make others feel worthy, they will make you feel valued in return. "I was struck in my research at how contagious mattering really is," she says. When people feel like they matter to others, they want to pay it back and pay it forward, she adds.
Embrace the "beautiful mess" effect
Staying connected to others in our workplaces and communities can also make it easier to go through hardships, or accomplish difficult things, says Wallace.
In one study, researchers had people stand at the foot of a hill and estimate how steep it was with, or without a friend. "The incline did not look as steep when you were standing there with a friend than it did when you were there alone," says Wallace. In other words, "friendships act as a kind of shock absorber to stress."
But as Wallace found as she was interviewing people for her book, most people shy away from reaching out to friends or colleagues when going through hardships.
They were "reluctant to let people into their messy lives," she says, assuming that their difficulties would turn others away.
But in fact, psychologists have found the opposite to be true. If you're going through something, don't be afraid to share your troubles — you might be surprised at how people react.
"It's these vulnerabilities, it's opening up to others that actually makes us appear more authentic and brings people closer to us," explains Wallace. Psychologists call this the beautiful mess effect.
Lean into invitations
Now, when Wallace is going through a challenging time at work, she says she visualizes a hill. "And I say, 'Who can I bring next to me? So that it will feel less steep."
She advises people to do the same when facing personal hardships, too. If we're going through a tough life transition — a new job, a death in the family, or a big move — Wallace suggests, look for people who have been through the same situation before, and invite them for coffee and ask for advice.
"Then harness the power of invitation, both accepting invitations, but also issuing invitations," she suggests.
Doing so can help us build those relationships even as we get advice on how to navigate a difficult time in life.
In the book, Wallace writes about a woman going through a divorce who was feeling isolated and takes her therapist's advice to start inviting friends over for dinner. It helped her feel less isolated and more connected during a difficult transition.
She also writes about an overwhelmed public school teacher who invites a couple colleagues for a regular lunch date. It turns her life around — the support she gets from her colleagues helps her find ways to make her feel less overwhelmed, and helps her build relationships at work that give her a sense of worth.
Take stock of how you matter
None of these acts alone can help us find a sense of purpose or feel valued, Wallace notes. It takes all of these actions and lots of daily practice.
Wallace says since writing this book, she has built a 30-second nightly practice to check in with herself about her day. "Every night before I go to bed I have a small little diary next to my bed, and I write down the answer to two questions: 'When did I feel valued today and where did I add value today?'
The answers to those questions helps her close her days with gratitude and a sense of self worth.
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