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How to mother a child who's not a kid anymore

Callum Baker
/
Flickr

As a mother, when your children have reached their 20s and have left the nest, how do you find the balance between giving them their independence while still parenting?

This week on “Take Care,” Harriet Lerner discusses mothering a young adult. Lerner is a psychologist and author of the bestselling book “The Dance of Anger.”   

As children get older and have flown the coop by moving out of the house, mothers can find themselves in a limbo where they might wonder if they’ve done the best they could.

Mothers analyze their own parenting skills and compare them to how their children turned out. This is something Lerner says you should not do.     

“The first piece of advice I would give to mothers is that your child, whether she’s 20 or 40 or 10, is not your product,” Lerner says. “I think, too often, mothers are blamed or glorified for what their children become.”

Lerner says a mother has control over their own behavior, which can be improved to better relationships with their child, but they are not responsible for the type of person their child becomes in their twenties.

“If your adult child is struggling and is not doing well, that does not mean that you caused it; it does not mean that you’re a failure as a mother,” Lerner says. “If your child is moving along swimmingly that is not necessarily the result of your perfect mothering.”

According to Lerner, boys are more likely to handle their emotions by distancing themselves, whereas girls are the opposite.

“The mother-daughter relationship often looks more frayed and pathological than, for example, the father-son relationship because fathers and sons are managing the intensity through distancing and mothers and daughters are getting into the ring and fighting it out,” Lerner says.  

In order for the mother-child relationship to flourish, Lerner recommends setting up boundaries. This includes only giving advice when your child asks for it.  

“Most daughters do not want unsolicited advice or help that they haven’t asked for,” Lerner says.

Another piece of advice Lerner offers to mothers is that it’s good toput focus on living life independentlyfrom their children.

“Your daughter, in her twenties, is watching you and she’s watching how you conduct relationships with other adults in your life,” Lerner says. “How you are navigating your own relationships as a mother is more important than what you say.”

According to Lerner, however, it’s important to be cordial to the other important adults in your child’s life even if you don’t like them. She says they experience anxiety when the important adults of their life are not on good terms.   

“Kids of any age get quite anxious when the adults, the important adults, that they need to have a relationship with, don’t get along,” Lerner says.